the reflector..

Sitting here after dinner, unable to speak, I ponder on many things. I think of the many memories of Mongolia, both sweet and bitter, and I reflect on how this place has changed me. I go back home forever different, better in someways, worse in others, but changed in a whole. I have new experinces I will take to the grave, and those experices both enrich and haunt me. I will never forget Juul, the horses, the camels, the camp, getting mugged, everything.

We all make mistakes. In a moment where we are at our lowest, our sence of what is right and what is wrong somehow does not seem as strong as a heart beat ago. We give into our fleshly desires and once the moment is over, we sit there and slowly dwell in the feeling of regret. “Why did I do it oh Lord? If only I could turn back time oh Lord”, we cry, but the truth be told, even if we were granted the miracle of time travell, we would probably repeat the same mistake, just like the multitude of times we have done it in the past. Can there be no permanant fix? Oh Lord why?

When we are empty, we seek things to fill the hole in our hearts we know only Christ can fill. We seek for others to fill it, but we know only Christ satisfies. Like a child with a puzzle. You know that toy box with holes in the shapes of a star, a moon, a circle and such. We try and try to ram other shapes into a whole when we know that only the cross can fit in. Why do we do it? Human nature we say. Perhaps we do it because we can’t face the truth.

The truth is we have to repent from our sins, and we know it. We need to seek him and put him first, but it becomes easier said then done. We know we need to pray and read our bible, but everyday we just ingore that. Oh woe is me.

I love to travel, I love to roam. I love to experince places, food and customs of countries. It has been a passion of mine for as long as I could ever remember. Mongolia has been an amazing adition to all my experinces, but I am ready for home. I am dreaming of Christmas! Church Service and all the activties that come along with the season. Caroling, concerts and of course youth camp. I can’t wait for camp! Its the one time of the year I can bond with close friends, get a chance to know some friends better and of course make new friends.

I had my dinner, I ate my Cajun pork rice. My belly is full, yet I feel empty and cold inside. The cold winter winds has blown into my bones, into my marrow, into the very depths of me. I need the hot Malaysia air, the humidity to fill my lungs. I need to wake up in my bed and turn on my astro on the weekends. I need to drive my faithful babe2, blast music on my cd player, and just go in any direction my little heart desires.

I need to talk to my friends. I need to be able to pour out my feelings to somebody and to get some kind of emotional responce. I don’t have a girlfriend or a specific person in my life, but I am blessed with many friends who I can spend time with and who can give me emotional support I need in life. I miss that! I miss talking to Yen, sarah, alvina, elisa, karen, to everyone. I just miss them all.

I need to go home, and I need to do it soon.

Its been a while since I actually wrote my own thoughts and feelings down on a blog. The-reflector.com is getting to many hits and I have clients, co-workers and strangers reading it everyday that I sometimes don’t write everything I want to write, in fear I may offend people. So here I am starting my own private site just to write what I feel. First post will be short. Off to watch volleyball game.